Mottos, Mantras, and Maxims…Oh My!

If only she had a motto

If only she had a motto

I have some mottos that I guess you could say that I live by. They are sayings that help me get through things. I’m not sure how or why I picked the ones that always come to mind when needed, but they are ones that believe in when I quote them either in my head or out loud or when I share them with someone that I’m trying to encourage.


“And this too shall pass”

I Got that one from the Bible. Whenever I am going through something that seems intolerable I remind myself that nothing lasts forever and if I just hang in there long enough it will pass…and it does.

 

“I’ll cross that bridge when I get there”.

This one keeps me from wasting too much energy on worrying about something that may or may not happen and I can’t do anything about it at the moment. It also works for things that I don’t have to make a decision at that very moment.  Things rarely ever play out the way we play them over and over in our head anyway. I usually think about it briefly, maybe form a plan of action or two but if there is nothing I can do about an impending situation at the moment, I just figure I’ll worry about it when I really need too. It seems to work well for me.

 

“All’s well that ends well”.

I find that at the end of the day even though something does not seem to be going well, it usually ends up fine when it is all said and done. How many times have you looked back over the days events only to see that it all turned out just fine?

 

I’d love to hear what motto, mantra, or saying gets you through your hard times. Please share!

 

Whatever!

It hits home

Yikes!  A bit close to home!

Yikes! A bit close to home!

Death and dying have now become more of a reality to me since the passing of my husband 18 months ago. Previously, every time someone I knew or that was close to me died, it would be a momentary wake up call of just how mortal we all really are. Then it wouldn’t be long and I’d be  able to shake it off and go on with life. That’s how it works, right? But now not a day goes by where I am not acutely aware of how quickly life can be snatched away.

What goes on in my head

My thinking goes something like this… “Ok, so when is it my turn? Will I live long enough to enjoy retirement or will I be snatched away like my husband?” I watch the evening news and see all the disasters taking place and I think to myself, “Boy who’s the lucky one, me or him?” He certainly doesn’t have to be concerned about this life anymore. Everything that once mattered to him no longer does. Death certainly has its “perks”

I know it’s always around the corner now…so what?

Hey death, "screw you!"

Hey death, “screw you!”

I’m sure by now you’re thinking that maybe I’m in a severe depression…or perhaps I’m circling in the vicinity of one but just picking out a nice spot in the hole to occupy. Let me assure you that I’m not. I just have the attitude of “whatever!”  Death has become so much more real to me now after his passing. It looms over me or lurks in the background gently nudging me with its constant reminder that it’s only a breath away. I’ve learned to accept that and not be afraid of it.

My children were always afraid that if I died first, their father wouldn’t be able to handle his grief. He definitely would not have held up as well as I have. Every once in a while they would make me promise not to die before him. I would always respond with, “I’ll do my best not to”. Well, it looks like they got their wish. Let it never be said I didn’t try to give my kids what they wanted.
But in spite of my “obsession” with death and my “whatever” attitude about life, I can tell you that I am a very blessed woman. I really don’t have anything to complain about. But at the same time, however, I don’t have anything to really be excited about either. For the most part I feel like I’m just passing away time until it’s my time to leave.

 

I wonder what you make of that? I’d love to hear.

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Survivor’s Guilt

Coming Clean

It weighs a ton

It weighs a ton

I have such mixed emotions concerning the death of my husband of nearly 45 years. So far, I haven’t found anyone who I feel shares my feelings. At first, I went to “grief share” sessions hosted by my church right after he died but I was so frustrated that I stopped going. I felt that I was alone in the way I was feeling and nobody there felt like I did…or at least they weren’t being honest about it if they did.

 

Overwhelmed by the Two G’s

Nobody can fix this feeling

Nobody can fix this feeling

So how was I feeling (and still feeling for that matter)? I feel the two “G”s…grief and guilt. Naturally, I feel grief for my loss ( I had lost a man that I had deeply loved for 45 years).  But I also feel guilt because I’m relived that I am finally free….. free to taste a different kind of life, out from under his shadow where I have lived since I was 15 years old.

 

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Day One of My New Life

It was surreal

It was surreal

The morning that I awoke to find my dear husband had gone on to be with the Lord was such a shock to my system. As I leaned down to wake him up it only took a few seconds for me to realize he was gone! I straightened back up and was overtaken by the knowledge that life as I had once known it would now be forever changed. It was a finale! The guilt comes from the fact that while I never wished him dead, I did often long for a different life. I would never have done anything such as divorce to change my life. I would go to my death bed loving him, I just longed for something more. I ached for a chance to be my own person and not just his wife. Some days I entertain the thought of finding someone new, and other days I am so overtaken by my love for this man who is no longer in my life that I think I’ll just be content to just muddle through the rest of my days until we are reunited in death.

It's an open road

It’s an open road

What Now?

I miss him but do not miss being married. My life had been joined with his since we were both teenagers. Now at 62, it is a strange feeling to be able to make decisions without being concerned that my choice will be met with disapproval ( well I’m not completely free from that because my children do voice their opinion at times, but for the most part I am my own person now)

I look forward to hearing the thoughts of others who have gone through this. Am I alone in the way that I feel? If not, how do you handle it?

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